Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
