I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
