the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
