So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
