Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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