he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
