He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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