she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
