when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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