did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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