im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
