so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
