Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
