Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
