if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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