She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
