I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
