I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
