good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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