Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
