I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
