I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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