You smell like a Billy Joel song
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she smelled like a LAN party
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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