Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
