Umm I'm too high to move.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
