The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
