He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
