So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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