I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
