Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Small penises have feelings too.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
