I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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