I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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