Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
