its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
