um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
