Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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