Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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