you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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