When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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