We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
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I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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