tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
