I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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