apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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