The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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