pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
