Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
