I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
