I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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