She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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