You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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