You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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