His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
