wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
