My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
