everyone is single if you try hard enough
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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