Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
