she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
